Bye Bye Bloggie

This blog is now on hiatus. I haven't worked with resin in months and it's probably going to stay that way. The jewelry thing was fun and I have a pretty nifty collection of stuff to wear now but I'm not going to sell any more. It's time to focus on the road to graduate school. I'm about to start applying to programs for 2011. I have a blog dedicated more to art type stuff: http://cynthiaburton.blogspot.com. I'm working on mixing two crafts, baking and crocheting, into new artwork. These two things have really consumed me since last summer. I learned to bake and crochet while marooned at my mother's house out in the Utah desert last summer. I was staying with her for a few months before moving out to Mass with my boyfriend. I was so bored and miserable out at my mother's place that I took up two new crafts in the hopes of keeping busy. I've learned so much about both crochet and baking. I think they saved my life. I don't think I would have made it through that summer if I hadn't found something to keep my brain busy. I was spending most of my time laying in bed wanting to cry because I had no one to talk to, my boyfriend was thousands of miles away and I felt like I had no future.

I want to honor these skills and the impact they had on my life through art. My biggest problem right now is that I  lack a space to display/assemble these ideas I'm having. I'm really excited for graduate school because that will give me the space and resources I need to make the work that's been bouncing around in my head for the last couple months.

It's time to move on to the next stage of my life and I can't wait for it to get here!

FEELING BLAH

I've been really blah and unhappy lately. I haven't been able to make enough money selling jewelry to fund my half of our expenses, not even close, and so have been looking for a new regular job. I'm not happy about it. The idea of spending that much time and energy on something I don't care about really gets me down. I don't have a choice though. I can't expect Jon to shoulder all the costs of living with his student loans and per diem job at the mental health clinic. My family is helping with money but my mother is constantly complaining that she's broke so I don't expect much help from her. Everything my family does is very helpful monetarily. They're not the most pleasant bunch if you need emotional support but when it comes to money they can be helpful.

I'm not having any more luck finding a new job than I was selling jewelry. Actually I'd say I'm having more luck with the jewelry even though I've only made one sale in the last couple months. I've come to accept that only a very few people want my jewelry. There are so many resin artists on Etsy and most of them make more interesting stuff than I do. I can't compete. The resin thing just isn't working so it's time to pack it up and move on. I'm trying to put my efforts towards building a portfolio for graduate school but it's hard not to feel depressed over my failure. I was so excited to start making jewelry full time but it's so hard to maintain that level of excitement when you're losing money and no one is interested in what you're doing. It's really hard not to take something like that personally and it really messed with my head. I've been feeling worthless and directionless for a while. It's really hard to sit at home while my boyfriend goes to work, class, and his internship. He's building a career and I'm sitting on my ass looking for a part time job that I don't want in a place I don't like. So far our relationship hasn't suffered but I can't say I'm not even a little bit resentful. He's on his way to bigger and better things and I'm sitting around waiting until it's my turn to go to graduate school.

My mood is made more sour because my electronics keep breaking. My DSLR broke when we moved here. My computer's battery crapped out a couple months ago and now the computer itself is breaking down. Slowly but steadily it's losing function. Now it's making this awful grinding sound when I boot it up and I have no idea what's causing it. All I know is I can't afford to fix it or replace is without help. I've asked or help from my grandparents and mother to buy a new computer for my birthday this March. I've gotten a very wishy-washy "I'll talk to your grandmother about it" from my mother. Nothing more concrete than that. Every time I start my computer I expect it to refuse to boot up. It's not long for this world and the idea of not having a computer is pretty scary in a world where everything requires a computer. I have my iPhone for simple internet things like checking email and searching for simple things on the internet but I can't download applications to schools on my phone. My little notebook mouse just crapped out too so now I can't even distract myself with World of Warcraft. I'm feeling very what's the point of it all these days. Applying to grad school for 2011 seems very far away and it hasn't been enough to sustain me. I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out. It doesn't seem like any amount of positive thinking is helping me. I can't seem to force my brain into happy thoughts while I sit here and waste two years of my life in Massachusetts.

IT'S RANT TIME!!

I've talked about this a lot, because it's something I feel very passionate about. I'm going to talk about it more because it just keeps happening. No one seems to learn. Rantiness follows the jump.

OH VACATION

I'm back from a four day romp in NYC! Two friends from out of town were visiting over New Years and we had a big NYC adventure planned. Good times were had by all. I really enjoyed shopping in Brooklyn. Thrift stores are your friend! Brooklyn was my favorite part. We only spent the one day in Brooklyn which I was sad about. If I decided to go to NYC for graduate school I'll want to live in Brooklyn for sure. It's (mostly) more affordable and I like the atmosphere better. The streets are wider, the buildings shorter, less crowded. You're not constantly getting bumped into by tourists who can't walk and stare at the big buildings at the same time. Brooklyn is the place for me!

Manhattan was cool too, don't get me wrong. You can't MOVE though. People are always standing around in the middle of the side walk, gaping at things or yelling on their cell phones. There's always someone in your way in Manhattan. At least in the parts we were walking around. There are probably more mellow parts of the island but we didn't find any of them.

Next time I go I just want to explore. There's so much to discover in New York! The city is designed to take a lot of money from people who don't know any better and we sure didn't! I want to find the good places to shop/eat/play that don't cost an arm and a leg. I know there are lots because people do have to live in the city on budgets. There are lots of poor, low income, and middle class people who live in New York. I want to find the places they do their every day things. Mostly I want to experience what it's like to live there for myself.

I was hoping to see more weirdos! Maybe the cold keeps them covered up in their wool coats. I know I was bundled up and couldn't show my true colors until I found an awesome mustard yellow and red plaid coat for $18.50 at Buffalo Exchange! The first two days in the city were spent wearing my grandmother's old coat. It's nice and warm but it's totally shapeless. There are trash bags out there with more shape to them! I was really excited to find the new coat because it has a shape to it! I felt much sassier in my new coat! I just don't feel myself if I'm not wearing something bold and colorful. As much as I get annoyed when people stare at me I would feel much more uncomfortable if I wore all black and grey. I would rather deal with ignorant people who can't appreciate bright colors and bold patterns than dress to disappear.

ANYWAY! I really liked being in the city. We had good times, we ate AWESOME pizza and Thai food (Tom Yum noodle soup!) and did some very fun shopping. I got a new tube of Urban Decay Primer Potion (which I love) because my old tube was all dried out and almost totally empty. Very glad to have that particular beauty basic. Wearing eyeshadow before having the PP was such a waste!

This post is such a mishmash. I'll make another one in the next few days about some items I've received in the mail that will really change the look of my Etsy shop for the better! I'm still waiting on a few items to arrive but I have enough to get started and I can't wait to get back to work! I have so many ideas floating around in the ol' head. There's so much more to come!

INSPIRATION MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND

I just wanted to make a quick little list of people who inspire me to create, to keep trying, to work my hardest, and to be my best!

First up we have Twinkie Chan!
(image source)

This woman inspired me to learn how to crochet! I had a couple months of being marooned in the desert at my mother's house after graduating college. I needed a distraction from the misery of doing absolutely nothing all day (it was too hot to cast resin cause of no a/c in 100º heat) so I decided to learn a new craft! I fell in love with crochet. Twinkie was a huge part of that. I saw the sculptural potential in crochet that knitting just didn't seem to possess. My mom is a knitter and I always wanted to learn a yarn craft to feel closer to her but I just never could wrap my head around it. Crochet was a different matter. I started to understand it almost instantly. I'm not a whiz or anything but i've started sculpting with crochet and it feels amazing. My portfolio for my MFA applications is going to be so soft and fuzzy! Thanks Twinkie!

Next we have Athina LaBelle of Eclectic Essentials Boutique!

(image source)

 

I just recently discovered Athina's work. She inspired me to start playing more with pastel colors in my resin! I always left the pastel colors in a corner, all neglected. I love pastel but I would forget about it in favor of brighter, more saturated colors because that's what I usually am drawn to. Seeing how this stay-at-home mom/jewelry designer used pastel colors to such wonderful ends I was really inspired to start playing with them myself. I've fallen so much in love with my pastel glitters! I've been mixing pastel with bold saturated colors and the result is really great. I'm loving it and loving her jewelry! She's also inspired me in part to start working with chunky curb chains and beading for the necklace part of my pendants. I'm so tired of slapping a pendant that I worked hard on onto a commercial ball chain with no personality. I want my chains to be just as DIY and fun as the jewelry they suspend.

And now for Amy Shrinkle!

(image source)

This girl makes some of the most awesome clothes! Not only that but she makes her clothes in more than just her own size. I love that! There are a number of other handmade clothing sellers who ONLY make clothes in their own size. I might not be a fatty anymore but I'm tall and have wide hips so a size 4-6 is out of the question for me! Even at my skinniest (I looked like an unhealthy twig!) I was a size 10-11 because of my height and bone structure. It feels really good to know that there are designers who understand that there are different types of girls out there and they ALL deserve to look fabulous! I can't wait for the launch of her Sugarpill cosmetics line. She always has amazing makeup on and I can't wait to see what the mind behind her makeup looks has been working on for 4 years! You know that after 4 years of conceptualizing and building that her makeup isn't going to be repackaged junk that you can get for $5 an ounce. It's going to be bold, original and fun. I'm so looking forward to it!

This next girl was a close friend some years ago. We lost touch a little bit but I still hold her in my heart. I'm talking about Roux!

(image source)

Hilary (aka Roux aka Tom Hoshino) was a really good friend back in the early 2000's. I even went to visit her in Cincinnati! I had a blast with her. There was a group of us on VLC (before it was mostly just furry porn). We all drew each other's characters constantly. We talked all the time. It was a good feeling to be part of that group. I miss all those people. I started moving away from the anthro scene but I still love the colorful characters and I don't think there's anything weird about anthro art. The porn can be a little weird but it's not like these people are having sex with REAL animals so whatever. I would never be an advocate of art censorship! Anyway, Hilary still really inspires me! Thanks to her I've been feeling the drawing itch a lot lately. I even drew today! It felt great and I would really like to get back into illustration for fun. I hated being an Illustration major in school but I love drawing. I think I just needed a drawing hiatus. NOT drawing did me a lot of favors but it's starting to feel wrong. I know I have a lot of talent in that area and it's silly to waste it. I know that there are people who would be happy to hear that I'm putting pencil to paper again. Maybe some day my illustrations will be popping up on DeviantArt again! I miss you Hilaroux. You were and still are a big influence on me!

And finally (for now) Sam MacKenzie!

(image source)

I LOVE this kid's work. Ha. I say "kid" but he's only a year younger than I am. This Australian is a favorite artist of mine. has been for years. I really look forward to his big sketch compilations. I think I enjoy artists' sketches and unfinished doodles more than their completed pieces. I feel like you learn more about their process and how their brains work from their doodles. I love his range! From pretty girls to silly doodles to big burly men with arms the size of trucks. His drawings can make me laugh and I do love to laugh. Looking at his work makes me BURN to draw things. Particularly cute girls in their underoos! He seems to really understand anatomy to the point of warping and bending it to his will. I like that. I also love boobies! Boobies make me happy. So thanks Sam! Thanks for boobies and inspiration galore!

That's it for now! There are a billion more people and things that inspire me every day. Too many to list really. But as of right this minute these are the people who are on my mind. I wanted to give them some credit for helping me keep the creative juices flowing! Without people to inspire us we would never do anything new or original. No artist can exist in a vacuum. We need other people around us doing things, making things, thinking, breathing. Otherwise we become stagnant and boring. With all the inspiration on the internet there's NO reason to be boring or uninspired. There are a million reasons to make something!

What inspires you internets? Colors? People? Books? Places? We all draw inspiration from somewhere. I would love to hear about yours!!

COMPANIONS OF XANTH

via gamershell.com

via abandonia.com

Via abandonia.com

There's this old game released in 1993 called Companions of Xanth. It's based off a Piers Anthony book called Demons Don't Dream. I never read the book but I LOVED the game. Of course in 1993 I was 8 so I couldn't really appreciate the puns and metaphors that make up the game. Almost every character in the game has a name that is a pun. A great deal of the dialog is puns. There's puzzles and riddles and all kinds of fun word play. I love word play!

Anyway I've been wanting to play this game again for several months but I couldn't for the life of me remember the name of the game, the characters, the release date. Nothing. I searched and searched through databases of video games released in the 1990s but I wasn't finding anything that sounded familiar besides stuff like Bomberman, Final Fantasy VII, and 007 Goldeneye. Not exactly what I was looking for! Finally I called my brother and asked him if he remembered. This hurt my pride a little because I was so determined to find it on my own. It was worth it though because he remembered immediately what I was talking about and gave me the title of the game!

With the title I was able to find an emulator for the game and I'm currently playing through right now! I remember a lot from when I was younger so that's helping solve the puzzles. It's not really a hard game to begin with. I'm playing it for the nostalgia mostly. I'm so glad that I found it and was able to download it for free. It's a lot of fun. Cute and silly with a lot of "Ha! See what they did there?!" with puns and metaphors.

One of the things that always amused me was the metaphors in the game. They're taken very literally. If you kick a bucket in the game you die. Also don't bite any dust! I don't remember if anyone offers to sell you a farm but I wouldn't buy that either! For someone who loves word play it's an excellent game. I think word play is the highest form of language. Knowing your language so well that you can alter it to hilarious ends is a fantastic ability. There are native English speakers in our country who can't enjoy puns because they just haven't learned enough grammar and vocabulary to understand them. That makes me really sad.

Word play is very close to my heart and so are video games! Any childhood favorites that you would love to get hold of? Maybe some vague memories of a game that influenced your life? I would love to hear about other's childhood game memories! Maybe we share some favorites!

And now back to the game!

Update 11:30PM 12/25/09: Just finished Companions of Xanth! It's not a very long game. Total play time was probably 4-6 hours over about 3 days. It's not a long game but it was still lots of fun. Just like I remember it! Only this time around I could fully appreciate the puns! It was worth looking up. I'm really glad I was able to find it again and play. I'm so grateful for the internet and all it has to offer, especially when it comes to old bootlegged games! Maybe I'll look up some more old games from my childhood.

GUILTY PLEASURES

I have a number of guilty pleasures! They range from bad TV, internet celebrities I follow, eating too many cupcakes while my boyfriend isn't looking, to things I say, and clothing combinations.

Here is a list of some of my guilty pleasures!

☆ Charmed - I love that silly show! It's so campy, the acting (at least by the extras and guest stars is usually TERRIBLE! The plot is nonexistent and the dialog is ridiculous. But I love every minute of it. It's so bad it's good!

☆ Cupcakes - This might seem like it doesn't belong but the reason it's a guilty pleasure is I usually eat WAY too many. My boyfriend isn't a health nut or anything but he lost 100lbs this year so he's at least much more health conscious than he used to be. He eats a lot of veggies and lean meat and doesn't want me baking cupcakes all the time because they're too tempting for him to have in the house all the time. He also doesn't like it when I eat too many sweets. We butt heads about this all the time because if I could I would live off cupcakes and candy! Sometimes I sneak cupcakes when he's not around or already asleep. I feel bad about it sometimes but cupcakes are IMPORTANT damnit!

☆ Jeffree Star - I almost never agree with his attitude, especially when he's talking about how he's better than everyone else or telling other people to suck it, but I love him! I have no idea why. Maybe it's because he's a sparkling Glamazon, or because he's a pink haired freak much like me, only he's got a lot more people making him look good than I do. Maybe I just love pretty things. I've always had a weak spot for gay boys in makeup. Whatever the reason I can't seem to stop watching him! I don't like his music and I don't really even like HIM... But I love him. It's weird!

☆ Scene Hair - I LOVE SCENE HAIR! Oooh man it hurts to admit that but I do. I love big, choppy, brightly colored scene hair. The bigger the better. When I got my hair cut over the summer I wanted choppy layers that I could tease up if I wanted. I don't straighten my whole head, just the bangs, so it's not actually "scene hair" but it's close. I've had candy colors in my hair since I was 14 (10 years!) so that's nothing new. I just love the way scene hair looks. It's funky, it's versatile, it's cute! And my hair looks cute with a scene inspired cut!

☆ Hostess Orange Cupcakes - Even though I bake now and make my own awesome orange cupcakes I still love the orange Hostess cupcakes! They don't have any ingredients that you could actually pronounce... In fact I don't think they're actually food but they're so GOOD! I could eat 10 of them in one sitting. I used to buy them almost daily from the gas station on the walk to classes while I was in college. NOM NOM NOM!

☆ Christmas TV Specials - Smurfs Christmas special anyone? I LOVE Christmas specials. It's funny because I HATE Christmas music. I don't even really like Christmas besides getting gifts and seeing family... Hell I don't even really like the family part. My family is NUTS. But I love the TV specials. When I was younger I would be glued to the TV during Christmas break watching all the specials from Smurfs to Scooby-Doo to freaking PAC-MAN! All of it. I love it! I even love the stop motion animation Christmas specials like the Nutcracker. Although the beginning of the Nutcracker would always scare me. The part where little boys and girls who stay up too late get taken away. That would freak me right the fuck out! It still gives me the willies a bit.

☆ ANY Horror Movie - As long as it isn't a slasher flick (with a few exceptions) I will watch it and enjoy it. Sometimes the worse the horror movie the more I love it. The Silent Hill movie? LOVE IT. (Arguably the Silent Hill movie wasn't "bad". It was just going in the same direction of the bad dubbing that the games are victims of. The dialog was stilted and rigid just like in the games and I'd like to think it was done on purpose!) The second and third Resident Evil movies? Ooooh yeah I watched them. They were terrible but I still watched them more than once! I even BOUGHT the second movie! The first RE movie was pretty bad ass though. No complaints there. I'll watch just about ANYTHING with zombies. I love zombies. I'm scared to death of the actual zombie apocalypse. My boyfriend and I have had very serious discussions about what we will do in case of zombies. We've got a plan all laid out and it isn't your average "Go to the ammo shop and load up with guns then hole up in the country" kind of plan. We have PLAN plan! We're gonna SURVIVE that shit! Also we have sworn that if either of us is bit we will kill each other. If he gets bit by a zombie I have promised to pull the trigger and he'd do the same for me. That's real love!

☆ Plaid With Stripes?! - Well not necessarily those two together but I have been known to mix polka dots with stripes and other clashing patterns. I love to wear my floral print leggings with my pink boots that have a doodly map of France printed on them. I love to mix prints that wouldn't/shouldn't go together. I LOVE to clash. It's so much fun to break the rules of fashion and do your own thing. It's gotten to the point where if I'm not clashing in some way I feel uncomfortable! :3

☆ "Where did you get that?!" "Oh this? ...I made it" - I know it's not kosher to brag but when someone asks where I got something I made myself I can't help but blush and feel special when I tell them that I made it myself! The look of amazement on their faces is so priceless and it gives me such a boost! There was a particular time when a woman at my retail job was looking for a specific hat and I just couldn't find it for her. I was wearing a hat I had crocheted the night before. She asked casually "What about that hat (meaning mine), does it come in solid colors?" and I had to say "This hat? Oh... It didn't come from here. I made it." She looked astounded and it really made my day! Having something unique that you just can't buy in the store is priceless.

That's all I got for right now! How about you internets? Anyone want to share their guilty pleasures with me? Everyone has something they love but are just the littlest bit embarrassed by! Charmed is a big one for me. I have a lot of trouble declaring my love for that show because it's so BAD! I kept my Charmed watching secret and would get all sketchy when someone asked me what I was watching! Come on! Share with me!

ATTITUDE VS ACTION

Custom necklace for a 6 year old girl!

Cake or death?!

I've been having some panicky feelings lately about my little business. I'm trying really hard not to let the panic control me or my decisions. It can be SO hard though. Panicking comes pretty easily to me so it's been work to keep it from creeping in and ruining my positive outlook! My boyfriend tries to help but the way he goes about it can sometimes just upset me more. I was reading this article today and afterwards I said something like "I don't think I'll ever be making that kind of money". I didn't mean it to sound defeatist or like I was giving up but my boyfriend can be very black & white about things so he assumed I was just giving up. He then proceeded to give me a lecture about my attitude and how I was giving up before I even started. It really upset me, but when he gets like that there's NOTHING I can say to stop him. He believed that I was throwing in the towel just because I was having some worries and trying to be realistic. Sometimes I get so tired of him refusing to think about what might happen if things fail. And I don't just mean this little business. I mean anything. I NEED to have some sort of contingency plan in case things don't work out but no one seems to want to talk about that kind of stuff. As soon as I mention a worry I have about something not going the way I hope I feel like people give me the tired old "you just have to be positive" "you can't think that way" "you just have to keep working towards so-and-so".

I know that I need to stay positive and not give up. I'm going to keep plugging away and making new things and trying to reach out to people but I can't just pretend like I never get discouraged. I think what really matters is even when I'm not feeling awesome about life I'm still working at it. Isn't that what matters? A positive attitude will only get you as far as you're willing to work. I could be positive all day long about sitting on the couch and eating cookies, but I wouldn't get anywhere doing that. Why do I get attacked for not being the most upbeat person even though I'm still working, still trying, still wanting to make things move along? Attitude is important but ACTION is the real test, isn't it?

It seems, to me, like we place too much importance on attitude and not enough on action. Positive ACTION is what gets things done and causes change. WORKING for the better is so much more effective than being upbeat and hoping that your positive attitude will change the world. Shouldn't we all be allowed to have bad days as long as we don't let them interfere with our work ethic? Can't we be allowed to experience the full range of emotion without being labeled a sourpuss? Personally I would rather be able to truly appreciate the good days because I've been through the bad, experienced what unhappiness is so that I can fully understand what a gift it is to be happy. It becomes a problem when ALL you feel is bad, when nothing can make you smile and there's no cheering up for you. When things move from "I just feel off today" to being depressed most of the time then that's a deeper issue than attitude adjustment.

I'm not saying a positive attitude doesn't help facilitate getting things done, and everyone likes a positive person more than they like Eeyore. I just don't think it's realistic to expect someone to be positive every minute of every day. It puts a lot of strain on a person, having unrealistic expectations. It can be really hard when you're not feeling perky but you're afraid to let people down by showing it. I value transparency in a person. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and while that's not always a good thing for me socially it's not something I want to change about myself. Emotions are important, the bad just as much as the good. I like to feel anything. Feeling feels good, even if it feels bad.

What do you think internets? Anyone have a different opinion? How do you pull yourselves out of a funk? I try cupcakes and funny movies while snuggling with my boyfriend or my piggy dog. I would snuggle the kitten but he's usually too busy playing in the toilet or knocking shit over. :3

I'M NOT MAD I'M JUST DISAPPOINTED

Dog 'stache!

One of the nurses my mom works with made a custom order! I got to paint a horse for the first time and I'm actually pretty proud of the way it turned out. Especially considering that the space I had to work with is pretty small and the brush I had to use was NOT the one I would have preferred. I'll snap some pictures before I send it out tomorrow! It's going to be a Christmas present for a 6 year old. I hope she'll love it.

I've got a gallon resin coming in the mail on Thursday! That's pretty freaking sweet. Also my mother is sending me a whole box of yarn, my ski boots, and some cash to do my Christmas shopping with. I'm so grateful I have a family that helps and cares. This might seem a little weird but I really appreciate that my mother is perfectly OK with giving me money to buy her a Christmas present. I do hope that this is the last year I'll have to spend someone else's money for Christmas. It means a lot that she understand how tight money is, but that I still want to give presents. I just wish I had enough yarn to make everyone in my family hats or something. I need to buy something for my friend who's coming to visit right after Christmas! I want to get her something that really reminds me of her. I'll do some looking as soon as I have a little $$.

Jon has asked me not to bake anything for a bit. He doesn't like having tempting yummies around the house all the time and I understand why. He lost 100lbs in a year and he doesn't want the temptation of cupcakes and brownies all the time. So I'm gonna cool it with the sweets. I should make some bread or something instead! I'll go back to baking sweets when my friend is here and we can pig out on cupcakes!

A pretty serious bitchfest follows so I want to keep that a little more optional...

NEW LISTINGS

I just put up a bunch of new stuff in my Etsy shop! Go check it out, tell me what you think maybe? Epoxyuponyou.Etsy.com

THE STORY SO FAR

Things have been going pretty well in my new life for this first week. I've been making things every day, feeling very productive. Today was about taking pictures and editing them. I'm gonna do some crocheting after this post too. I even ordered an entire gallon of resin! That should keep me busy for a little while.

I sold another necklace today and that made me feel really good. Sure, my Etsy sales are only up to 5 but that's better than 0 by at least 5 :D Yeah. Five sales without any kind of promoting or community involvement isn't so terrible. The people who do make it big with little to no self promotion are rare animals. I shouldn't feel bad for not being one. In a super saturated market like Etsy it's nearly impossible to be noticed without DOING something to get noticed. So I'm gonna do lots of stuff. Once I have 100 items in my shop I'm gonna start sending out emails to blogs to see if they want to feature me. I've also been playing around with the idea of emailing some semi-celebrity types I admire (Audrey Kitching, Raquel Reed, Twinkiechan, etc...) to see if they might want a free necklace/ring/hairclip whatever. That's probably a stretch. I'm sure those kinds of girls have people sending them all kinds of shit all the time but who knows. It might be worth a try? The worst they can do is say no and tell me to get lost I suppose. Being told no, being rejected, still seems pretty scary. I just have to remember that so many successful people had to hear no a billion times before they heard yes. But that one yes is so much more important that all those no's. That needs to be my mantra or something!

So here's what I've been working on so far:

★ Resin, resin, resin!

★ Cute diagonal color block cowl

★ Taking pictures/editing pictures

★ CUPCAKES!!! (I made awesome orange cupcakes today!!

★ Pan frying different things. First was chicken, I tried pan fried shrimp. Both were AMAZING! Thanks Alton Brown for teaching me how to pan fry!

★ Keeping the house clean so that Jon comes home to a comfortable space that he can relax in after work/class. If any hardcore feminists are reading this I hope you understand that I don't do housework to please my man. I do it because my partner has a lot more on his plate than I do and it makes me feel good to help him relax. I never was very domestic but that's only because I had no idea how good it could feel to make another person happy when they're so busy and stressed out. /digression

★ Watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer because it's easy to work while watching something I've seen a billion times and it's like comfort food for me. ❤

★ WORRYING!! That's last on the list because I've been TRYING to do it the least. I still worry though. I worry about my boyfriend, I worry about taking this big chance by cutting my hours at work WAAAAY back and putting all my effort/time/money into this fledgeling business that could very well explode in my face. I'm not letting the fear of failure keep me from trying though. Man what happened to me? I never used to be this positive and upbeat! Let's hope it's a good thing and not a sign of a brain tumor or something ☠

NEW BEGINNINGS

Some things are about to change! I'm going to be telling my job that I'm only available to work Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday mornings. They can pick two of those days a week, or one, or none. This is so that I can devote the majority of my time to crafting! I'm not going to sit on my butt and hope that someone "discovers" me. I'm going to make things happen. It was very immature of me to hope that success would just happen to me. Sure, some people are very lucky and succeed instantly but most of us have to work our asses off so that's what I'm going to do! It's time to get involved!

I want crafting to be my business and not just a hobby type thing. I want my life to be about glitter, resin, yarn, crochet hooks, baking, etc.... Making money for a big company that doesn't appreciate my efforts or skills isn't what I went to art school for. I wanted to have the skills to make a modest living off what I love. What I love is making things.

I'm really looking forward to being a business woman, to getting my name and my work out there. I'm setting some goals for myself and I'm going to meet them.

For starters:
1) 100 individual pieces in my inventory
2) After 100 pieces it's time to send out emails to craft/fashion/whatever blogs that I enjoy asking if they would be interested in featuring my work
3) Keeping track of inventory, costs, customers
4) Applying to every craft fair I can find that I feel my work would fit into (probably not the "high class" type craft fairs that only stuffy rich people go to. I don't think they would be interested in glittery jewelry or colorful/cute hats)
5) Get active in the selling community! It's time to let Etsy know who I am and what I'm all about.
6) Eventually (and this will probably take some serious time), once I have a following, open a shop on my own where no percentage of my sales is taken out and there's no cost to list new items. (That's a major long term goal)

This is all going to take some time and some serious effort but after working at a job that I HATE I know it will be worth it. I want to answer to no one but myself. I want my time to be my own and I want a life I can be proud of. Making this work will also mean relocating will be much easier. If I have a successful internet business I can move wherever I want as long as my resin and my yarn go with me. I have a few concerns about going back to school for my MFA in a couple years AND trying to keep an internet business going (hopefully thriving by 2011) while doing masters work but I'll figure that out when I get there.

I got some new molds in the mail today! Three new heart molds because the last set all broke, a tie mold and a mustache mold. I'm excited to get started with them. Unfortunately there's not much I can do today because I have to work in a few hours and pouring resin can be an all day thing, even if most of the time is spent waiting for the resin to set up enough to embed. Tomorrow is a different story though! I'm gonna get busy and stay that way.

One last thing before I play a little World of Warcraft and then put on some eyeliner before work: I'm not sure Epoxy Upon You is the right name for me anymore? When the name was chosen I was ONLY making resin things, but now I'm branching out into crochet. I want a name that won't pigeonhole me. I need a name that will give me the freedom to branch out in the future and won't limit me to one medium. I do like Epoxy Upon You though. I still think it's funny. Who knows. I'll keep thinking about it and see what happens!

THIS IS WHY I HATE MYSPACE

Because of people like this:

Hello,how are you doing ? well am a new member on myspace. just looking 4 a woman of my life...
i was browsing through profiles now and i got your profile.I found your profile page very interesting,you pictures look cool.Indeed,I can tell You are so beautiful!!Anyway,i wouldnt mind talking to you so i can get to know you real well and may be know what you want as well...You can send me a message on here ,i will be pleased to see any message from you.

Regards!

And this:

u r realy my wife and realy realy my wife and i want u . plz plz plz its reqeust plz marry with me ,

I was going to reply to these people but I'm just gonna let it be. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings because I'm so squishy-hearted... I also don't want to open the lines of communication with these people. There's no point wasting my time or hurting their feelings. Nobody grows as a person from something like that. This is why I hate Myspace and usually avoid it. I hop on there once every couple of weeks to say no to 99% of the people who friend request me and to see if anyone I know is doing anything interesting. Social networking isn't really for people who hate to be social I guess XD

There are some people that it's really important for me to keep up with, even if "keeping up with" is just saying hi every once in a while and letting them know that I think about them a lot. I hope my friends know that just because I'm not a fan of emailing or talking on the phone that I DO thing about them almost every day and I love them the mostest. <3 <3 <3

LAME

Gotta finish this hat! It needs a second ear flap and maybe a brim?

My cute little babies!

Some stuff I've been working on. Cupcakes, mini pies, afghan, hats... Also gratuitous cute animals picture!

I know I've been really slacking... I've let everything slide, from my resin pieces to work for my portfolio so I can apply to grad schools. I've been wallowing in this unhappy mire. It's not OK. Success doesn't come because you were sitting on your ass and it's time I realize that and get my act together. It's hard, I know, but sometimes you have to do the hard thing. The problem for me here is this: Just because I know how to fix the situation doesn't mean I'm motivated to do it. There is a possibility that I'll continue to sit on my ass and do nothing but make hats and work on this granny square afghan. While I'm still being productive it's not in the areas I should be. I need to be working on resin, I need to be coming up with new designs for jewelry. I need to work on pieces that I can actually be proud of and call art so that grad schools will want me. I want to be able to make a living from crafting and arting, not folding clothes and answering questions about return policies or if we have a public restroom (we don't). I want to be recognized for my hard work and talent, not my ability to sell gift cards. I want my life to matter. Right now I feel like it really doesn't. That sounds really angsty but it's true. I feel like I have no purpose, no meaning right now and it really depresses me.

I don't want much from life. I want to make a living off creativity. I want to be with Jon. I want to maybe squeeze out a couple kiddies and have a family. I don't need to be married, rich, kept... I just want to be loved and happy. So I guess it's time to try and make some of that happen for myself. The kids will have to wait until Jon and I have stable jobs and a steady income. I need to be out of school before I even think about having kids for real. It would be too much to have a new baby while still working on my MFA. Not to mention the fact that I usually work with some pretty toxic stuff (resin, oil paints, solvents) so that would be a bad thing to expose my pregnant self to.

What I'm saying is I want to work for myself. I want to be my own boss, make my own rules and be whoever I want to be without these 8 hour chunks of my life being taken over by The Man.

DILEMMA

I had this friend in college who turned out to not really be my friend. There are a lot of reasons why I stopped talking to her but the biggest and most important one is that she was exceedingly manipulative. She used everyone she came into contact with in some way or another. She used me for money and validation mostly. I think she saw me as this weak girl with a low self image that she could take advantage of. She used me for money, she used me for pot, she used me to feel better about herself.

Once I finally stopped taking Prozac and woke up from my stupor I realized what was actually going on pretty quickly. Without the fog of an SSRI in my system I realized that she had been kinda awful throughout our entire time being friends. I wasn't about to subject myself to that crap anymore.

The final straw was an incident with a mutual friend that wasn't really important at all. It was the WAY my ex-friend handled the situation that made me want to walk away. I realized that she was the kind of person with no morals of her own. She would mold herself to suite the situation and the people in the room at the time. If the people in the room thought doing this one kind of thing was wrong or bad so did she, but as soon as those people left and she was with a different group her values changed completely. I am of the opinion that it's never OK to hit someone. Not ever. She is of the opinion that it would be too much trouble to get involved if a friend is being abused or if one friend hits another unprovoked because it's not "her business". That kind of bullshit doesn't sit right with me or Jon.

Speaking of Jon, he saw a lot of what happened between this friend and I. Let me say that Jon isn't the kind of person who sides with you just because you're his friend/girlfriend. If you're fucking up he's gonna let you know no matter who you are or what relationship you have with him. That's one of he reasons I like him so much. Honesty matters to me! In this case Jon was on my side because I was in the right. My friendship and loyalty were being abused by this girl and he didn't think that was OK. Not just because I'm his girlfriend but because you shouldn't treat people like I was being treated. Not ever. You just don't do it. So I cut all ties with this girl and never really looked back. It wasn't a malicious thing towards her, it was about saving myself from future grief. If I had stayed friends with this girl and continued to let her abuse our friendship that would have been MY fault for not getting out while I could. So I did.

Now she's sent me this message of Facebook demanding an apology and wanting to know why I "dumped her for my new boyfriend". It was a very telling message. This girl still thinks the world owes her. She thinks that I owe her my life for being friends with me. I don't think I owe her a thing, and if I ever did at any point that debt would have been paid after the hundreds and hundreds of dollars I spent keeping us stoned for the last 2 years. I'm not exaggerating either. Pot costs $$, she didn't have any to spend on pot. She sure as hell expected me to share mine with her though. She would go on and on about how she would repay me next time she bought weed but she never did. When she actually had pot it was the gross kind that gives you headaches. But I wasn't about to not share. I had weed and I didn't want to sit at home like a jerk and smoke it all alone. That's not fun!

It turns out I would rather not smoke at all than be taken advantage of like that. Anyway, I digress. The bottom line is I don't owe this girl an apology for finally sticking up for myself and realized I deserve more than to be used and abused in the guise of friendship. I'll never apologize for dropping her like an old bag of moldy tangerines.*

*I will make you cookies if you get that reference.

WORKING FOR THE MAN

I work at Urban Outfitters now! The store I'm working at isn't actually open yet so we've been putting everything together, getting ready for opening day on October 1st. We put anti-theft tags on ALL the merchandise except things under $20. We had over 1000 boxes of clothing and accessories that had to be tagged. That took two full days! I am completely guilty of making a catalog in my head of all the things I want to buy with my massive 40% employee discount! Of course my first couple of paychecks will probably all go to paying rent/bills. Whatever I can save I want to put into finishing my shoulder tattoo. I probably won't be able to buy any clothes for a while. Maybe when they have employee appreciation and I can buy sale stuff at discounted prices. Woo!

I've been working 7 or 8 hour days and it's been really hard. I'm not used to being on my feet all day and my fingers ache from shoving pins through seams to attach the anti-theft tags. Every. Single. Piece of clothing had to have a pin shoved through the thickest part of the seam (to prevent people from just ripping the tag out and stealing the merchandise). It was not fun. Today we finished all that! Now we have to fold/hang everything up and either put it out on the sales floor or back into the stock room. That should be a little easier but who knows. It'll probably be just as grueling and tedious as everything else we've done. At least I'm getting paid! Not nearly enough, but it's money I don't have right now so I'm OK.

I really hope my back/feet get stronger or more used to this crap because I've been coming home in pain and unable to do more than sit and stare off into space until it's bed time. I feel like I can't enjoy my time at home. It sucks. Doesn't help that I have to ride my bike 3 miles to and from work. Coming home isn't so bad because it's mostly down hill (except for one part that I have to walk the bike because I'm not strong enough to ride for half a mile up hill!). Going to work is a bitch and I want to die for most of the ride. I get to work all sweaty and red faced, having almost been run over by at least 10 cars. It's really not fun and it's not the way you want to start an 8 hour work day! Taking the train would take an extra hour so it's not even really worth it. BLEH! Please let me get better at this whole thing! I want to come home and be able to function. I want to be able to bike up that hill instead of walking. I want to get into work not feeling like I want to die. Please?

MORE NEW JEWELRY!

I just updated my Etsy shop with two new pieces! I've got some more waiting in the wings but I don't want to upload all the goodness at once. Gotta spread out the sugar consumption, yanno? check out the listings for more info on each! Here & Here

And now for some news: I've been SICK for the last three days! It BLOWS. It all started innocently enough with feeling a little dizzy and being all full of sneezes. It progressed to a full blown can't-breathe-head-hurts-gonna-die-nose-dripping-constantly viral ATTACK on my body. SUCKS! I'm starting to find my way out of the woods though. The congestion has moved from my head to my chest and I know I'll be coughing up all kinds of gross stuff any day now. I have that tight feeling like my lungs are stuffed full of mucus and it's getting in the way of oxygen. Not fun. But at least my nose has stopped leaking constantly! THIS IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR YOU TO KNOW. Got it?

Thankfully I have an amazing boyfriend who made me tea and rubbed my very sore neck. He's been keeping me company while I've been couch bound. He hasn't even minded me whining and being all pathetic. It's so sweet and it's another of the many, many reasons I love him. Jon is a wonderful guy. So glad I have him! I would have been MISERABLE without him here. I was pretty unhappy and grouchy anyway but it would have been x1000 without my baby.

On a more random note our cat just turned one and he's been celebrating by being a jerk! He's always knocking shit over, chasing his tail as LOUDLY as possible and attacking the dog while she's sleeping. It's cute when he chases his tail but not at 4AM while crashing all around the house! He's also bee knocking things off the dresser/table/sink to bat them around on the floor. Always as loudly and early in the morning as possible. He's an evil little kitty. If he weren't so cute we would have turned him into kitty sausage by now!

Tomorrow we're going to our friend Jack's for football (BLEH! XP) and homemade chili (YUM)! Jack is a professional chef - and a good one - so it's sure to be some excellent chili. I'm going to be making cornbread to go with!

Speaking of baking I'm going to be making chocolate cookies with peanut butter and white chocolate chips. They're gonna be AWESOME! The cookie dough is chilling in the fridge. Once we're done dinner (which is salmon, fried shrimp, and mashed sweet potatoes, FUCK YEAH!!!) I'm gonna bake those bad boys up! :9 We always have such excellent food for two people who aren't trained in cooking or baking other than liking to eat! :9 :9 :9 :9

NEW JOB AND NEW JEWELRY!

I GOT A JOB Y'ALL! Urban Outfitters called today and offered me a job as a sales associate. So I'll be folding clothes, helping people find sizes and styles and probably doing cashier stuff too. WHATEVER I don't care what they have me doing as long as I get paid and don't have to change my hair! I get to dress like myself, my tattoos can be showing all over the place, and my piercings can stay in! I'm so thrilled. And relieved!

Now on to the jewelry stuff! I've been working on some newer ideas and they've been turning out great! Two of my pieces have already sold. How exciting!! I've been feeling pretty inspired lately. It's awesome. I'm going to be experimenting with these basic ideas and hopefully something magical will blossom from the seeds I've planted. I made these three pieces by painting the back of a resin layer with acrylic paint, then adding glitter, then another layer of resin to hold it all together. They turned out better than I had imagined and I'm so pleased with that! I hope I can keep pushing these designs to newer and better places. While Jon is out doing his stuff for grad school I'm gonna be here making things! :D

JOB HUNT

I'm on the hunt for a job. I've applied a bunch of places so far but I haven't heard anything back yet. It blows. I've had a group interview at Bath & Body Works that went fine. It's part time and not a job I really want. Especially since I'll have to buy a pair of pants and a long sleeve shirt to cover my tattoos. I'll have to wear pants and a long sleeves EVER DAY I work there. I'll also have to take my two facial piercings out and wash/bleach out the purple in my hair. That was almost a deal breaker for me. I'm so desperate that I can't really turn anything down if they want me but it sucks so hard that I'll have to totally change my appearance just for this one place. A part time place. A place I really don't actually want to work for.

I went to a job fair for a new Urban Outfitters that's opening up in the same complex as the Bath & Body. They did a little impromptu group interview and I did really well out of the group. Jon went with me. We're both in need of jobs. It was really nice to have him there. I felt more confident. I think I like group interviews better because it's a lot easier to gauge how well you're doing, at least compared to the other people in the group. Jon and I were the best, but then I'm pretty biased. I would much rather work for Urban because they actually encourage their employees to be individuals. I wouldn't have to change myself to fit some stupid model.

I think it's really silly that a lot of places want all their employees to look exactly the same. Doesn't it get boring? I don't want to blend in, to disappear in a sea of workers who are wearing the exact same clothes, who have the exact same hair. I'll wear a uniform, I'll wear khaki pants and a white collared shirt, but let me keep my tattoos visible! Let me dye my hair fun colors, let me keep my piercings for fuck's sake! Let me be me! I don't want to be another corporate robot that can be replaced in an instant by someone else who looks exactly the same.

I didn't go to art school so I could blend in with the crowd! I want to stand out, I want to be unique. I want to be bold, loud, colorful, and creative! It feels so wrong to contemplate changing so much about me for a stupid part time job that I don't REALLY want. It sucks that I'll take the job and do the changing because I need a job so desperately.

Please call me back UO! Please, someone, give me a chance to prove that just because I have purple hair, tattoos, colorful clothes, and piercings doesn't mean I can't sell the shit out of your product. Give me a chance and don't ask me to look like everyone else. Please!

APARTMENT HUNT

So here's the story. Jon and I thought we had this nice two bedroom, two bathroom apartment all lined up. We thought everything was going smoothly and we would have this place by Monday. Well it's not happening. The landlord (who owns the building, he doesn't just manage it) raised the monthly rent by $50 AFTER we had filled out the application. Sketchy! If he's comfortable doing something like that what else is he capable of? We didn't want to find out.

So Jon, being the amazing man he is, found a different place in Dedham. It's a townhouse so that means two floors and a basement! There's a washer and dryer that would be all ours. The kitchen looks nice and very cookable. It looks new and clean. Spacious. I'm excited to have two floors! Jon is over there right now talking to the owner ironing things out. His credit should check out just fine. He's a good, responsible boy. I trust him to ask all the right questions and to let me know about anything important. Hopefully we can get all this sorted and have a place to live by next week. That's the most important thing. I'm going to be there on Wednesday the 20th so we NEED to have a place by then. Jon will make it happen.

I wish I could be there with him. He sounds so stressed and run down on the phone and it breaks my heart. He's doing all of this on his own. My only contribution has been the money from my grandparents. I just want to give him a hug. I think he really needs one right now. Sex would be nice too but we'll have to wait until Wed for that. Le sigh.

So that's what's up. We're working on it! I'm packing up my things (finally) and trying to mentally prepare for the grueling flight from Salt Lake City to Boston. At least it's over night so hopefully I can sleep a little? Maybe.

The dog and cat are all ready to go accept that Orson needs a certificate of health but that's easy peasy. Just plop him on the vet's table, a few pokes and prods and he'll be pronounced healthy as a bull moose. Only smaller. And sweeter. <3