FEELING BLAH

I've been really blah and unhappy lately. I haven't been able to make enough money selling jewelry to fund my half of our expenses, not even close, and so have been looking for a new regular job. I'm not happy about it. The idea of spending that much time and energy on something I don't care about really gets me down. I don't have a choice though. I can't expect Jon to shoulder all the costs of living with his student loans and per diem job at the mental health clinic. My family is helping with money but my mother is constantly complaining that she's broke so I don't expect much help from her. Everything my family does is very helpful monetarily. They're not the most pleasant bunch if you need emotional support but when it comes to money they can be helpful.

I'm not having any more luck finding a new job than I was selling jewelry. Actually I'd say I'm having more luck with the jewelry even though I've only made one sale in the last couple months. I've come to accept that only a very few people want my jewelry. There are so many resin artists on Etsy and most of them make more interesting stuff than I do. I can't compete. The resin thing just isn't working so it's time to pack it up and move on. I'm trying to put my efforts towards building a portfolio for graduate school but it's hard not to feel depressed over my failure. I was so excited to start making jewelry full time but it's so hard to maintain that level of excitement when you're losing money and no one is interested in what you're doing. It's really hard not to take something like that personally and it really messed with my head. I've been feeling worthless and directionless for a while. It's really hard to sit at home while my boyfriend goes to work, class, and his internship. He's building a career and I'm sitting on my ass looking for a part time job that I don't want in a place I don't like. So far our relationship hasn't suffered but I can't say I'm not even a little bit resentful. He's on his way to bigger and better things and I'm sitting around waiting until it's my turn to go to graduate school.

My mood is made more sour because my electronics keep breaking. My DSLR broke when we moved here. My computer's battery crapped out a couple months ago and now the computer itself is breaking down. Slowly but steadily it's losing function. Now it's making this awful grinding sound when I boot it up and I have no idea what's causing it. All I know is I can't afford to fix it or replace is without help. I've asked or help from my grandparents and mother to buy a new computer for my birthday this March. I've gotten a very wishy-washy "I'll talk to your grandmother about it" from my mother. Nothing more concrete than that. Every time I start my computer I expect it to refuse to boot up. It's not long for this world and the idea of not having a computer is pretty scary in a world where everything requires a computer. I have my iPhone for simple internet things like checking email and searching for simple things on the internet but I can't download applications to schools on my phone. My little notebook mouse just crapped out too so now I can't even distract myself with World of Warcraft. I'm feeling very what's the point of it all these days. Applying to grad school for 2011 seems very far away and it hasn't been enough to sustain me. I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out. It doesn't seem like any amount of positive thinking is helping me. I can't seem to force my brain into happy thoughts while I sit here and waste two years of my life in Massachusetts.